The very act of allowing my voice took and continues to take courage. It’s been a journey for me, that has brought me to a whole new way of being. I always thought I was bold and outspoken. I am in business, but I really had to step out of my comfort zone. Many of my friends and acquaintances will snort and have quite a laugh at this because they may not see this part of me and if I played my part well, they wouldn’t know.
How many ways do we play our parts? How many ways do we play small?
I fondly remember being very young and having had my license for perhaps a year or two, singing at the top of my voice with my girlfriend Sue, laughing and enjoying the freedom of our singing, sometimes, just yelling at the top of our lungs to release our tension, anger and disappointment. Later I remember singing in the car with my Son Justin as a baby, then every other weekend going to Sea Cadet’s, Justin and his friend Nick. I not so fondly remember starting to sing in the car with my now ex who, without qualm, told me to stop, my voice sucked and hurt his ears. I did stop, my pleasure drained, and the worst part was, I believed him, for a very long time.
Several years ago, I expanded my meditation practice. I dedicated an hour or so to journaling, then meditating. At times I found myself needing to cry, sometimes wale. I was home and alone, so, I was free to allow. With time I began to chant, OM, and sing. It was freeing and sometimes funny. Then I took a Channeling Class at Ms. Martha’s and learned the incredible feeling of unconditional love from channeling.
This feeling and safe circle allowed me to us my voice. My channeling came in with laughter, rip roaring, pee your pants laughter, sometimes so much laughter that the entire room would begin to laugh. At first, I felt embarrassment, not from those around me, but from my own internal judgement. “Will they think I’m crazy?” “What will they think?” “Everyone else, begins to channel calmly without laughter or effort, why can’t I be normal?” It really didn’t matter because my own thoughts were insecure enough. But, I kept at it, and the group encouraged me and asked me to continue so, I did. I loved it and to this day, channeling is one of my favorite things to do.
I look back now and think, what came first? Were the sounds that came during meditation the opening? Did the channeling encourage me to continue to develop my sound healing, singing, toning?
Then I took a class called, Holographic Sound Healing by Paul Hubbard where I was encouraged again to use my voice and crystal bowls, this time for sound healing, shifting frequencies in the body. It was so much fun and extremely effective.
As I got more and more courage to share my voice, my sound, I began to share at my healing circles. The interesting part is that not all the sounds are pleasant, and at times there is a sound that my voice can’t quite reach, but every time, it is what I am guided by spirit to reach for the client or friend.
This journey has been fun, although sometimes quite overwhelming. I have friends who encourage me, and people who try to calm me down. I have to admit, in the beginning, I’d begin to chant, close my eyes and wonder, how many people will still be there when I open them again. I really have to laugh, because every time I feel the need to chant and sing so deeply, it pushes past the fear and self-consciousness, and every time I am amazed when people say they truly enjoyed it, or the tears I see in their eyes is from an internal shift, a healing of something quite deep.
I tell you all this not as a way to toot my own horn, but, to encourage you as well. My Monday Night Healing Circle is now as much about sound as Reiki & other healing modalities, and messages and practice. I want to encourage as many people as I can to reach deep in the depths of their being and allow their voice. Speak your truth. Live life to the fullest, truly.
By the way, several years after that “don’t sing” incident, my ex heard me sing and commented favorably on it. I got up the guts to ask, “why did you so hatefully tell me my voice sucked?” and he said, “you know when you feel really bad? And someone near you is really happy?” I said, Yes. He said, “I just couldn’t bear to see you so happy when I was so unhappy.” I thought to myself, damn, I took it to heart and stopped singing anywhere and everywhere someone might hear. What a shame.
My questions to you are:
How can you use your voice even more?
How are you playing small?
If you were courageous, what would you do?
Be well, Hugs