There is no excuse for abuse. There is never a good reason for a parent, a family member, a member of the clergy or even an older friend of the family to abuse a child. I can’t stress that strongly enough and believe me I have tried, again and again.
When I was a kid, perhaps 8 or so, I was convinced by a boy, a teenager, to let him touch me. He promised I’d get to play more, he’d like me, I believed him. I was so young, honestly, I had no idea what he was even asking of me. He had his little brother stand guard, out in the woods. I knew, it wasn’t okay once it started. I was afraid. I didn’t know how to say, NO. Not enough to over power the convincing argument of the boy I thought was a friend. I was too young to understand.
What hurt me most…. what I carried with me and still carry with me, is the convincing argument that said if you tell anyone, they will know you’re bad. To this day, I remember being told so well, that I believed it. I held that event in confidence for almost my entire life.
Each day, I see clients and 8 out of 10 of them have been abused. All of them, coerced or convinced to believe it was their fault. They were bad. The parent wasn’t bad. The very person who was to be trusted, abused them.
Let me stop here, and say it again. There is no excuse for abuse. No good reason. No child, so badly behaved that they should be physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually abused. If you’ve been abused, let that sink in…. It is a sickness that allows a person to abuse someone of any age.
An abuser is a predator, practiced and convincing.
I’m not talking about a parent that punishes a child who isn’t listening. A parent afraid a child will wander too far and get snatched or run over. I’m talking abuse, there are times when the line here is crossed and punishment looks like a beating. That’s another issue…. that’s an anger issue.
I’m talking to you, the person whose parent or family member sexually abused them. The person who feels guilt for taking a small pleasure from the attention given, because they craved a parent’s love. The person who lives with believing they did something wrong…. Inappropriate and were convinced they were bad. Perhaps convinced they deserved to be abused. A predator can be disgustingly cruel and very convincing.
For me, because I’ve been there, I know how difficult it is. Holding a secret that’s like acid that tarnishes everything. A secret that instilled a fear so hateful and yet, so believable. How can an 8-year-old stand up to someone that truly wants to take advantage of them? How can a child who wants the acceptance of his or her parent not believe that they’re bad? They want to be loved, they want to be held, they want approval, they want someone to say, I love you.
How do you heal from abuse? By now much of the scarring is deep and hidden. Anger simmers just on the edge of eruption. Boundaries are non-existent because those you should have been able to trust, took advantage of your innocence. Sometimes feelings of shame tinge our life. Trust is difficult, sometimes non-existent. It can be seen in a posture, a need to please habit and even a complete fear. Or sometimes its seen as aggression the need to never be taken advantage of again.
However it may be for you, there is peace. There are happy mediums and boundaries to be learned. Finding the root of the fear, forgiving ourselves, forgiving our abusers (forgiveness is stopping the inner dialog of torture, self-inflicted, not ever saying the abuser or abuse is ok). You can admit, find the place that says, yes, I love/d my parent even while knowing accepting the parent was sick. I had to get to a safe place where I could say, I was not to blame for the sexual abuse, I was too young to understand what I was being asked to do, too innocent to fathom the consequences and too trusting of the boy old enough to know better, old enough to be convincing.
Finding a safe place to talk about abuse is imperative. Better than just talking about it is doing hands on healing to find where it lives in the body and bring it up and out so that it no longer weighs you down. Finding the skills to use your voice is Freedom. Abuse is a form of PTSD and my advanced training in PTSD brings a level of healing not seen for many that have lived thru and with Abuse. Please, if you’ve been abused or are being abused, get help. Your life may depend on it.
Robin is the founder of Spirit of the Lotus. She is a hands-on healer, medical intuitive, Shaman, Medium and Spiritually Guided Coach as well as being an Advanced Soul Coach(R), Adv. Past Life Coach(R) & Holographic Sound Healer. Spirit of the Lotus is in Columbia CT. Appointments can be made by calling 860-709-3903.