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Surviving On Scraps

Waiting

It’s been a month of deep exploration.

Who Am I?

               What does, Who I Am, want?

                              Who does God know I can be?

                                             What does Who I Am want, when I am at Full Potential?

               Can I ever be at Full Potential?

It’s really been a few weeks of pure, honest to goodness neediness.  I have been reaching outside myself for the feeling of acceptance.  I have been reaching for the feelings of love and self-worth.

I realized today that I am always willing to give anyone the shirt off my back, the money in my pocket and the love and understanding in my heart.  But today I am exhausted, drained and depleted.  Today, I am my dad.  Let me explain.

I wanted my dad, but not my dad, as I knew him.  I wanted the dad that showed up for others.  The kind man who listened and gave sage advice.  The man who re-assured the injured and the frightened.  The man who held the hand of the dying.  I wanted the dad who I imagined rather than the dad who was so exhausted he fell asleep upon the couch each and every night.

I wanted the dad who I imagined and not the man who fled from conflict, leaving my mom so enraged that she took her pain out on me.

I see myself, as I attract those I admire, those that reflect to me the qualities of my dad.  I want the side they share with others and instead, I get the depleted, distracted version who gave all the goodness away before coming home.

I saw my dad, the hero to so many, never more than to myself. My pride was full for the hero that came home drained and depleted, having used all his resources for the many.

When I got old enough to question him, he said, “You don’t need me, you never did.”  That is and was the truth.  I learned to be strong because my parent returned home, to his child, to his wife, drained and depleted with nothing left but to sleep or to hide in the single bathroom with a newspaper to determine his next project.

The lure, the temptation is to be needier than the others. But for me, the reality was to endure and to wait.  To accept the scraps or starve.  What a pun….. accept or starve.

I’m hungry, I’ve been starving for scraps my entire life.

How do I shift from waiting for scraps to reaching for the rainbow? Reaching for the gold at the end of the rainbow?

How do I know that the scraps are not all that’s left and without them there is naught?

Can I be content with scraps?

I love you, I was willing to wait.  I was willing to race you to the car for the moments of adrenaline rush while racing to a call, moments & glimpses of you, dad.

I see this pattern being repeated again and again, small concessions, small changes, but repeating the pattern just the same.

               Starving on scraps, hungry, needy, trying so hard,

                              Hoping for the attention,

                                             Craving the Proof of my worth.

Do you see me?

I fill my loneliness with work,

               I fill my cravings with food.

                              My body breaks, I’m starving on the scraps.

You taught me to be independent with fear,

               You taught me to be abundant with fear,

                              You taught me to be needy with lack,

                                             You taught me I am not worthy by coming home drained and depleted.

I taught you I can survive.

I’m starving for scraps.

I love you so much,

               But the truth is, I love the you given to others.

                              I am last on the list and I want to be first.

Repeating the pattern and you were the first.

Robin is the founder of Spirit of the Lotus. She is a hands-on healer, medical intuitive, Shaman, Medium and Spiritually Guided Coach as well as being an Advanced Soul Coach(R), Adv. Past Life Coach(R) & Holographic Sound Healer. Spirit of the Lotus is in Columbia CT. Appointments can be made by calling 860-709-3903.

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Abuse, There Is No Excuse

There is no excuse for abuse.  There is never a good reason for a parent, a family member, a member of the clergy or even an older friend of the family to abuse a child.  I can’t stress that strongly enough and believe me I have tried, again and again.

When I was a kid, perhaps 8 or so, I was convinced by a boy, a teenager, to let him touch me.  He promised I’d get to play more, he’d like me, I believed him.  I was so young, honestly, I had no idea what he was even asking of me.  He had his little brother stand guard, out in the woods.  I knew, it wasn’t okay once it started.  I was afraid.   I didn’t know how to say, NO.  Not enough to over power the convincing argument of the boy I thought was a friend. I was too young to understand. 

What hurt me most…. what I carried with me and still carry with me, is the convincing argument that said if you tell anyone, they will know you’re bad. To this day, I remember being told so well, that I believed it.  I held that event in confidence for almost my entire life.

Each day, I see clients and 8 out of 10 of them have been abused.  All of them, coerced or convinced to believe it was their fault.  They were bad.  The parent wasn’t bad.  The very person who was to be trusted, abused them.

Let me stop here, and say it again.  There is no excuse for abuse.  No good reason.  No child, so badly behaved that they should be physically, mentally, emotionally or sexually abused.  If you’ve been abused, let that sink in….  It is a sickness that allows a person to abuse someone of any age.

An abuser is a predator, practiced and convincing.

I’m not talking about a parent that punishes a child who isn’t listening.  A parent afraid a child will wander too far and get snatched or run over.  I’m talking abuse, there are times when the line here is crossed and punishment looks like a beating. That’s another issue…. that’s an anger issue.

I’m talking to you, the person whose parent or family member sexually abused them.  The person who feels guilt for taking a small pleasure from the attention given, because they craved a parent’s love. The person who lives with believing they did something wrong…. Inappropriate and were convinced they were bad. Perhaps convinced they deserved to be abused.  A predator can be disgustingly cruel and very convincing. 

For me, because I’ve been there, I know how difficult it is.  Holding a secret that’s like acid that tarnishes everything.  A secret that instilled a fear so hateful and yet, so believable.   How can an 8-year-old stand up to someone that truly wants to take advantage of them?  How can a child who wants the acceptance of his or her parent not believe that they’re bad?  They want to be loved, they want to be held, they want approval, they want someone to say, I love you.

How do you heal from abuse?  By now much of the scarring is deep and hidden.  Anger simmers just on the edge of eruption.  Boundaries are non-existent because those you should have been able to trust, took advantage of your innocence.  Sometimes feelings of shame tinge our life.  Trust is difficult, sometimes non-existent.  It can be seen in a posture, a need to please habit and even a complete fear.  Or sometimes its seen as aggression the need to never be taken advantage of again.

However it may be for you, there is peace.  There are happy mediums and boundaries to be learned.  Finding the root of the fear, forgiving ourselves, forgiving our abusers (forgiveness is stopping the inner dialog of torture, self-inflicted, not ever saying the abuser or abuse is ok).  You can admit, find the place that says, yes, I love/d my parent even while knowing accepting the parent was sick.  I had to get to a safe place where I could say, I was not to blame for the sexual abuse, I was too young to understand what I was being asked to do, too innocent to fathom the consequences and too trusting of the boy old enough to know better, old enough to be convincing.

Finding a safe place to talk about abuse is imperative.  Better than just talking about it is doing hands on healing to find where it lives in the body and bring it up and out so that it no longer weighs you down.  Finding the skills to use your voice is Freedom.  Abuse is a form of PTSD and my advanced training in PTSD brings a level of healing not seen for many that have lived thru and with Abuse.  Please, if you’ve been abused or are being abused, get help.  Your life may depend on it.

Robin is the founder of Spirit of the Lotus. She is a hands-on healer, medical intuitive, Shaman, Medium and Spiritually Guided Coach as well as being an Advanced Soul Coach(R), Adv. Past Life Coach(R) & Holographic Sound Healer. Spirit of the Lotus is in Columbia CT. Appointments can be made by calling 860-709-3903.

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