I have been struggling with my morning routine, especially since the true on set of cold winter weather. I find myself wanting to leisurely enjoy my morning moments in the warmth of my blankets, not wanting to place my feet on the floor of my cold room. My room 62 degrees, preferring blankets to warm air, preferring blankets to the cost of oil, perhaps more like it. Perhaps loving the blankets because if I get up, my day has begun as well as the excuses I create for not doing, doing what?
How do I bring back the routine of yoga? How do I substitute my distractions with the routines that will nourish my soul? Can I put down my cell phone? Can I delay my coffee or even exchange it for water?
I gave myself a year….
I said to me…. Robin, you deserve the time to rest, to rejuvenate, to find out who you are.
Who am I? Who am I now that I am not the mother of a young child? Who am I now that I am not a wife? Who am I now that I am ? Who am I over 50? Who am I, now that I do not own the first business that I created? Who am I in the eyes of those who see me? Who am I now that I admit that I am a healer, if only part time while I explore? Who am I now, that I can be anything I choose?
It’s been 8 months, since my obligations of work were no longer. Four years since I decided to be single. I have witnessed within me transformations that are minor and those that are extreme. I have tried to continue moving and working and filling every moment in an effort to avoid feeling. This seemed to work until I became sick. Sick enough that I had to stop moving, I had to stop working and filling my moments, enough so that I could feel. Oh dear God, I have to admit that feeling is one of the scariest things I have been forced to do for myself. How is it I can feel the pain of others and use it to help them heal, in yet, feeling my own pain was overwhelming? I know intellectually and thru my healing arts that there can be a payoff for illness. My payoff was forced by the universe to become intimately aware of me. I felt fear that I never knew could over take me so completely. I have felt grief so deeply I wondered if it would stop. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I was and sometimes still am afraid.
I wanted desperately to have a relationship. The perfect love life to sustain and combat the fear. I believe deep down, somewhere I had convinced myself that if someone wanted me, accepted me, held me and told me everything would be perfect, that I would know that everything I did, the choices I made would be the right ones. They would ultimately prove that I was right.
I was lucky, of course the verdict is still out, I did not get that perfect relationship. I did not get swept off my feet and rescued or re-assured. What I got was time. What I received was the gift of being alone, even though forced, alone enough so that today I see….hey, I’m enjoying this moment. I am enjoying choosing exactly what I want to do or to do nothing.
I began seeing this pattern a few months ago. I wondered to myself and out loud to a few dear friends….is it possible the universe if forcing me to take the time? Then as I spoke to a dear friend just a day or two ago I caught myself saying….If I had jumped into a relationship earlier it would have been out of fear….fear of being alone more than out of love. But now, now that I am beginning to see me and learn the “who is Robin” answers. Now I know that I will be going into a relationship whole, going into it from a place of love rather than need. And that is huge…..
Oh, don’t worry, I know I still have a lot to learn…. I’m not taking that leap, yet. Oh lord, but at some point I pray the universe deems me ready and gives me that opportunity.
Robin is the founder of Spirit of the Lotus, she works with individuals as a Shaman, a healer and a medical intuitive as well as a Reiki Master Teacher and Soul Coach(R) just to mention a few of her credentials.