Surviving On Scraps

It’s been a month of deep exploration.

Who Am I?

               What does, Who I Am, want?

                              Who does God know I can be?

                                             What does Who I Am want, when I am at Full Potential?

               Can I ever be at Full Potential?

It’s really been a few weeks of pure, honest to goodness neediness.  I have been reaching outside myself for the feeling of acceptance.  I have been reaching for the feelings of love and self-worth.

I realized today that I am always willing to give anyone the shirt off my back, the money in my pocket and the love and understanding in my heart.  But today I am exhausted, drained and depleted.  Today, I am my dad.  Let me explain.

I wanted my dad, but not my dad, as I knew him.  I wanted the dad that showed up for others.  The kind man who listened and gave sage advice.  The man who re-assured the injured and the frightened.  The man who held the hand of the dying.  I wanted the dad who I imagined rather than the dad who was so exhausted he fell asleep upon the couch each and every night.

I wanted the dad who I imagined and not the man who fled from conflict, leaving my mom so enraged that she took her pain out on me.

I see myself, as I attract those I admire, those that reflect to me the qualities of my dad.  I want the side they share with others and instead, I get the depleted, distracted version who gave all the goodness away before coming home.

I saw my dad, the hero to so many, never more than to myself. My pride was full for the hero that came home drained and depleted, having used all his resources for the many.

When I got old enough to question him, he said, “You don’t need me, you never did.† That is and was the truth.  I learned to be strong because my parent returned home, to his child, to his wife, drained and depleted with nothing left but to sleep or to hide in the single bathroom with a newspaper to determine his next project.

The lure, the temptation is to be needier than the others. But for me, the reality was to endure and to wait.  To accept the scraps or starve.  What a pun….. accept or starve.

I’m hungry, I’ve been starving for scraps my entire life.

How do I shift from waiting for scraps to reaching for the rainbow? Reaching for the gold at the end of the rainbow?

How do I know that the scraps are not all that’s left and without them there is naught?

Can I be content with scraps?

I love you, I was willing to wait.  I was willing to race you to the car for the moments of adrenaline rush while racing to a call, moments & glimpses of you, dad.

I see this pattern being repeated again and again, small concessions, small changes, but repeating the pattern just the same.

               Starving on scraps, hungry, needy, trying so hard,

                              Hoping for the attention,

                                             Craving the Proof of my worth.

Do you see me?

I fill my loneliness with work,

               I fill my cravings with food.

                              My body breaks, I’m starving on the scraps.

You taught me to be independent with fear,

               You taught me to be abundant with fear,

                              You taught me to be needy with lack,

                                             You taught me I am not worthy by coming home drained and depleted.

I taught you I can survive.

I’m starving for scraps.

I love you so much,

               But the truth is, I love the you given to others.

                              I am last on the list and I want to be first.

Repeating the pattern and you were the first.

Robin is the founder of Spirit of the Lotus. She is a hands-on healer, medical intuitive, Shaman, Medium and Spiritually Guided Coach as well as being an Advanced Soul Coach(R), Adv. Past Life Coach(R) & Holographic Sound Healer. Spirit of the Lotus is in Columbia CT. Appointments can be made by calling 860-709-3903.